I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.