If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.