I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
School be like
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.