When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.