Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.