Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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Pretty much. 🤣
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
DOOO EEEET
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.