If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.