Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal