Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”