saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.