Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.