More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?