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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
HER: let鈥檚 be open about how we really feel. I鈥檒l go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don鈥檛 want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn鈥檛 like cheese anymore
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Her: You鈥檙e always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
It鈥檚 normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Always blow your man. Pamd茅 went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touch茅 subject.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.