ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.