*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
mariah carrie
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?