I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two