I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Boom, boom, ching!
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.