Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*