Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Why is everyone getting married at me
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.