Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.