Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no