Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.