Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot