OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Who called it baking and not making love
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern