My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I am patiently waiting for your email
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”