If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme