Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.