If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
You Might Also Like
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive