Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
You Might Also Like
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”