“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
my fav colour is also hitler
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”