December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
these two trucks have the same bed length
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.