*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Golf would be better with landmines.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.