They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.