girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I just ran a .003048K
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.