My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Mhm.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
not for long
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying