If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come