LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I need to get some bricks…
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?