I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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A wise man once said nothing.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.