It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
We’re all getting idioter.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”