WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Raisins are grape jerky.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you