You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.