british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man