I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
just having fun
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.