The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.