You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.