Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Finally, a door that understands me
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao