whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band