89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Saw your ex at the shops
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON