If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs