[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.